A People’s History of COVID-19

by William M. Briggs

This essay appears in Issue 1 of the Mars Review of Books. Visit the MRB store here.

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SCIENCE

Listen to The Science!

Here is what The Science said:

Stay inside for two weeks and we’ll flatten the curve. Lock down for a month or two, and the whole thing will blow over.

Install two-foot by two-foot Science Shields between cashiers and customers. Viruses won’t be able to figure how to go around them. Go to the store to buy groceries but don’t touch non-essential items. The virus will get you if you have over 12 items.

Follow the arrows on the floor, because the virus knows which direction you go.

Install Science Stickers on floors spaced precisely six feet apart—1.5 meters outside the USA. The virus tires after this distance. Install glory holes and avoid face-to-face sex, for that is how viruses breed.